Though it has been years since my momma died, since she moved on without me, I never stopped thinking about her and the influence on my life. She left behind a legacy of love and wisdom that still resonates within my soul.
As a child my momma told me that suffering comes with love, and that one doesn’t exist without the other. She said “Jordan, you need to find a place for your suffering, it’s not a curse, it’s a blessing.” She said, “you’re sensitive and a lover, and it’s always going to be like this.” Those words, spoken so long ago, have stayed with me and guided me through every stage of my life.
So before my aunt Joan passed away she started reading me my momma letters that these two women exchanged over the many years of their lives and one where my momma described her plans to adopt me. It was then that I realised the depth of love my momma had for me, even before I came into this world.
I felt a surge of emotions as I listened to my aunt's trembling voice, weaving the stories of the letters together with a tender nostalgia. Tears welled up in my eyes as I realised that the greatest gift I had ever received was not something tangible, but rather the profound love that I felt my entire life.
In that moment, surrounded by the words of love penned by my momma and the heartfelt narrations of my aunt, I knew that this gift was real and mine to keep forever. I share this because My momma would tell me as a child that she’d been searching for me my whole life. Oftentimes she would ask “do you know how much I love you?”
With tears streaming down my face, I responded to my momma's question, "No, Momma, I don't think I'll ever fully.”
It is heartbreaking to think but it wasn’t until the end of her life that we had one of the most important conversations together. She held my hand tightly, her eyes brimming with wisdom and a lifetime of experiences. She sat in front of me weeping. My momma thought that being mistreated and abused by my family members meant she had somehow failed me in life.
In that vulnerable moment, I reached out and reassured her, "Momma, please don't blame yourself.”
I was quick to remind her of all the wonderful books she read to me as a child, and how The Lion The Witch and The Wardrobe had inspired my dreams and sense of adventure. I told her that her love, guidance, and nurturing had shaped me into the person I had become. I told her that I love because she loves me.
In that tender moment, I watched as a wave of relief washed over my momma's tear-stained face. She took a deep breath and a small smile formed at the corners of her lips. As She said “I love you Jordan, you’re the greatest gift ever received.”
- Jordan Patterson
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